An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.