@Parentpains

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

You Might Also Like

@MartaEffing

Someone just used the phrase, ‘that’s a big load’, on this conference call, and suddenly I’m paying attention.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

@TitansHomer

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don’t think that’s a weakness

M: I don’t give a shit what you think.

@perfectsweeties

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

@Jeff_G_Nixon

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”

@cupcakelynda

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

@Kryzazy

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again

@stevevsninjas

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching