I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
You Might Also Like
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Snapes on a plane.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!