@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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@HandfulOfLewds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@TheToddWilliams

[School band tryouts]

ME: They say I have perfect pitch

TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got

*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.

@VaDawn13

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

@cogentanalysis

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

@SugarMagicSpice

Horrifying if real: Toddler Snacks
How many toddlers make up a snack? What flavors?

@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction