@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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@lecalabara

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

@KindOfASmartass

If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.

So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@junejuly12

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.