I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic