@HandfulOfLewds
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
@omerwahaj
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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@HandfulOfLewds
@NakedHangover
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
@TheToddWilliams
[School band tryouts]
ME: They say I have perfect pitch
TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got
*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*
@ShortSleeveSuit
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
@skickwriter
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
@KenJennings
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
@VaDawn13
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
@cogentanalysis
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
@SugarMagicSpice
Horrifying if real: Toddler Snacks
How many toddlers make up a snack? What flavors?
@bobvulfov
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction