An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.


Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.


“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…


(Summer 2015)


Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!




Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?


when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach


I’m gonna insert “comedian” in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.


[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*


Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!