An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.