Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
Jenga cop: God damn it!
Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’m gonna insert “comedian” in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!