An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
He took my last fry, your honor
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
what’s more important?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?