An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD