@Darlainky

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

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@just1fool

5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

@EliseRose5

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@aka_fatman

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me