An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You Might Also Like
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
When I laugh on my period
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi