An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.