Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”