@CatsVsHumanity

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@iwearaonesie

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@KeetPotato

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”