An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.