An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
cats when you pet them too long:
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.