Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.