an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Room with a view.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.