Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
An ice bucket challenge …
But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
This might be the funniest tweet ever