An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.

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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.


[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?


Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.


honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral


I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.