Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You Might Also Like
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?