Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*