Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.