An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
No. He’s not coming out to play
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..