@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

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@Naked_Wombat

I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

@TheMichaelRock

Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.

@iresurfaced

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@Skoog

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.