an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
What flavor cupcake are these
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.