@CourtneyBale

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

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@JPLFR80

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@4handfuls

Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…

@bourgeoisalien

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

@AnOrangeSNES

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?