What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?