AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables

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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have


Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?


Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when


It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.


Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.


In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms


Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?


[texting my girlfriend]


“Just finished my homework”

Cool, Send a pic (; ?

*gf sends a nude*

Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*