AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Well, shit
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.