Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”
– the Abdominal Snowman
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: Green please
God: All gone
Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone
Me: Whatever, just make them big
Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Oh, this is awkward
What i meant…
When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..