@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

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@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.

@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

@caperbc75

“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman

@WhitfordBradley

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@junejuly12

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@inanimatecorpse

Blind date.

Oh, this is awkward

Chewbacca:

What i meant…

Chewbacca:

When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..

Chewbacca: