An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]