@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

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@_steamy_mac

Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”

@VerbsRProudest

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@jazmasta

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.