*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes