@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

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@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@SirEviscerate

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@notreallysophie

I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.