*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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me: this is free, right?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]
“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”
“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”