A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I thought this was funny lol