As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.