An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues