An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You Might Also Like
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.