an octopus is just a wet spider
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My five year plan is a meteorite