An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.