Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.