BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“David you’re late again!”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
Girls are like puppies.
If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.
SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*