@TeaPartyCat

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

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@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@ibid78

Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.

@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

@HMittelmark

I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.

@ginnyhogan_

divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.

@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@ThisLocalHater

I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney

@stevevsninjas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
No, littler.