– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[in bathroom stall]
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator