@LostFelicia

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

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@MelvinofYork

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

@RiotGrlErin

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

@lecalabara

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

@LennoxTruman

No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@BastardProphet

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?