An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_


– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.

“Yes, Perfect”


Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.


[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall


A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist


Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…


-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator