An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.