An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold


friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.


Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.


No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours


Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.


9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.


Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure


[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.


my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town


TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?