Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?