@AbbyHasIssues

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

- @AbbyHasIssues

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@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@newLettuce

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

@thejessbess

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

@_NewLifeNow_

Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.

My question is this…

Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?

Then throw it at her?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.