An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.