[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.