An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
You Might Also Like
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…