An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.