For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Dead sexy!!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.