An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
How I like cutting carbs
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye