Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

just pretend nothing happened

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.