AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”