AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
i wish we could shoplift online
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.