An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.