an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
this has to be peak English
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.