I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.