An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
President The Rock Obama
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I think about this a lot
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night