Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things