Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Relationship Status: Lurking