@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

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@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@sixfootcandy

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@AlexvanBeek

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.