@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

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@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

@electrolemon

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay

@daniellebyers

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

@superdadatron

Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@CatsVsHumanity

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

@ReallySamEvans

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

@skickwriter

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*