ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today


divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation


damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay


My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.


Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.


*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.


Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.


At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead


My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.


*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*