@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

@InternetHippo

[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
Hello
[brick flies through my window]

@NicestHippo

Oscar nominations are out. Let’s experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold

@AristotlesNZ

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@AnniemuMary

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.