Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.