@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

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@LifeUnPinterest

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

@UncleDuke1969

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

@iwearaonesie

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@JoshuaHvr

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

@rorynotroy

id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures

@ceejoyner

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda