My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda