So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation
Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee