You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course!
7 y/o: Really?
Me: Why do you think they call them “Number 2” pencils?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
– Spider tinder
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
my wife of 30 years: *texts me*
my brain: don’t answer right away you’ll look desperate
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*