@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

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@JordyHamrick

So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@NBrianJohnston

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@Gooooats

Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*

@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@seanyeatts

Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@goodshitdogshit

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

@Home_Halfway

Quartantine:

Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation

Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee