Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

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So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.


trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you


If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.


Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*


[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff


life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus


Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad’s pet name for your mom is “Squirty”


“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist


It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting



Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation

Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee