DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]