KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver