@captainkalvis

ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.

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@MNateShyamalan

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

@PleaseBeGneiss

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

@djdarrellripley

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

@brendohare

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@Dadpression

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@LolaLuvsLollies

I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place