escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning
ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.
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ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place